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How to Lose Money & Fake Your Destiny with Great Success

by Victor Antonio G.

Everyone talks about how to be successful through hard work and effort.  Forget that!  I’m going to take a different approach.  I’m going to show you how to lose all your hard earned money and fake your own death (I mean destiny), and be successful at it.

Step 1: Be a Sissy

Being a sissy has nothing to do with physical strength and everything to do with mental strength.  I know you want to be successful but you’re too afraid to make a commitment to your dream.  You’re scared to take chances.  You’re scared to make choices.  You want everything to be perfect before you can “take a risk”.  Yeah, right!  That day will come when Hell or my mother’s famous spicy hot Sancocho soup freezes over (author’s note: my money is on Hell freezing over first).  Nonetheless, don’t do anything until one of the following has occurred: All the stars in the constellation have aligned themselves perfectly, you’ve spotted a once extinct Dodo bird, or someone absolutely guarantees you that you will not fail.  Until one of these things are in place, don’t do anything…be a sissy.

Step 2: Listen to Stupid People

Oh, this is one of my favorite.   There are two types of people out there: successful and happy.  By successful, I mean someone who has a career and is financially secure.  By happy I mean someone who has found their “happy place” and enjoys where they’re at in life.  The latter has less do with money, and more do to with life style.  Knowing this, here’s the key: never, I mean NEVER listen to successful or happy people.  They’ll just make you nauseous with their ideas and strategies for getting what you want out of life.   Instead, listen to friends and family members who are either broke or unhappy.  That way if you fail, and chances are that you will, you’ll at a minimum have them for company.  And we know that misery loves company.  Also, if (I really mean when) you fail using their advice, you can always blame it on them (See Rule 9 for more details).

Step 3: Wait for Divine Intervention

Yes, another strategy on how to lose your money and fake your own destiny is to simply wait for the ‘invisible hand’ of fortune to pass over you and bless you with immense abundance.  Yes, go ahead pray and ask God (whoever and whatever that is to you) to rain down upon you all that you deserve.  Sit back, do nothing and wait for something great to happen.  Yes, your needs far outweigh those of people in other countries who are dying from HIV, hunger, violence, etc.  Don’t feel guilty.   Make your demands on God and if you’re so inclined, you might want to give Him a deadline because you’re in a hurry.  But remember, don’t lift a finger to help yourself, you might offend Him by being so impatient and acting responsibly.

Step 4: Develop a Need to Mimic

Desmond Morris wrote a fantastic book called “The Human Ape”.  If you haven’t read it, you are depriving yourself of a primitive experience and pleasure.  Morris talks about the need for humans to mimic in order to feel accepted or more worthy.  So, what I want you to do in order for you to lose your money and fake your destiny is look around you and buy whatever your friends or colleagues are buying.  Buy the extravagant cars, the luxurious museum (I mean house),  take all the trips you want to exotic places and whatever your hedonistic yearnings crave for.  What about money?  Who cares!  The point here is that you want to mimic or copy what every one else is doing.  Who cares if you don't have the money or the where with all to pay for it.  Money and debt are nuisances you shouldn’t have to worry about.  What about credit card companies?  They’re crooks who already have too much money anyway; they don’t need yours.   Just focus on faking your destiny with great success.

Step 5:  Take advantage of People

Here’s a great tip.  Forget about being considerate and to hell with the “golden rule”.  If you can use somebody, do it.  I you can take advantage of a situation, do it.  Consequences?!  Bah!  Why bother with such silly notions; they’re so inconvenient.   For all you care, you’ll probably never have to deal with them again.  And if it’s in a work environment, all the better, screw them any way you can.  They probably deserve it for being so dang naïve.  The basic premise is this, the next time you're in a position to really abuse another fellow human being, don’t think twice, just do it!  Remember, follow the 'lead rule' (opposite of golden) and burn as many bridges as you can along the way!

Step 6: Invent Your Own Reality

Ooh, I like this one.  To hell with reality, create your own.  When someone says, “You’re not being realistic”, ignore them; they’re idiots.  When someone tries to warn you that you're overspending and your debts are mounting, just go out and shop some more…you’ll feel better.  Remember also that money is the root of all evil and no one should have to really save or keep any around for a rainy day.   And, even when everyone is telling you you’re wrong, ignore them because they ALL can’t be right!  More than likely, they simply don’t have the same bright, pink outlook on life you have.  Dismiss those fools.

Step 7: Never Keep a Commitment Again

The next time you make a promise, just remember that it really isn’t a commitment.  A promise is an agreement to do something but you reserve the right to change your mind without notifying the other party (aka I call this the "When it’s Convenient Rule").  And yes, it’s OK to over-promise and under-deliver.  The Convenient Rule still applies (I spoke to a lawyer who confirmed this).  When you tell someone you’ll show up to a meeting or an engagement, remember that it’s OK to change your mind, again, without the need to notify the other party.  Because commitments are so restrictive, always allow yourself the flexibility to abide by or ignore them whenever you feel like it.  What if others complain?  They’re just being insensitive to your ‘spontaneity’ and free spirit….envious bastards.

Step 8: Blame it on the ISM

The next time things don’t go your way or you missed out on some promotion or raise, blame it on an “ISM”.  There are plenty to choose from.  RacISM, SexISM, AgeISM, etc.  Remember it’s never your responsibility to be create wealth and opportunity.  Someone should always look our for your because you’ve been handicapped (i.e., with an ISM) by the unfairness of society.  Someone should also make amends and remunerations for your inconvenience.  Don’t forget to always complain about how “the man” won’t let you succeed.  And always blame your failing on some corporate guy with a nice suit and tie.

They’re all liars and cheats waiting to be exposed...unlike yourself of course.

Bonus rule:

Step 9: It’s Never Your Problem

No matter how bad you perform or don’t perform, it isn’t your fault (Corollary to Rule 8).  It’s never your problem.  It’s always someone else’s deal.  And if you can’t find a warm body to blame it on, use someone who’s dead.   Dead people are useful for blaming things on because they can’t dismiss the accusation and you'll feel better since it isn’t your fault.  If you can’t find any dead people to blame it on, use the ultimate trump card, the Universe (or Cosmos).  Either one is good enough when it come to blame.  Just blame your misfortune on some ‘weird existential vibe’ thing that can’t be defined.  And if someone doesn’t believe you they again are just being insensitive and ignorant of an existence of a ‘much higher level’ where you can’t be held responsible.

Follow these nine rules and I guarantee you that you will lose your money AND fake your destiny with GREAT SUCCESS.