When I was first
starting out in business, I was going 90 miles an hour everyday at
work. I wanted to be successful and I wanted it bad. I remember
waiting for the chance to be a leader, move into the management ranks
and be the boss. That day eventually came and I couldn't be happier.
Along with this new responsibility came the need to create winning teams
in order to produce the desired results.
As a young manager, I often found
myself getting very angry or upset when my ideas weren't listened to or
my instructions weren't followed. And, God forbid anyone question my
authority or judgment. I recall trying to get people to listen to me
and if they didn't, well, I accused them of not being team players. And I am not
afraid to confess to you that I did everything in my power to remove
them from my group. Call it ego, call it stupidity, call it arrogance or
all of the above and more.
Since that time I've learned a lot
about what a great leader is and what a great leader does in order to
create a strong team.
One of the greatest lessons I've
learned is how to develop the winning mindset. The winning
mindset for me comes down to this simple philosophy, "Never try to win". Now this may
sound like a contradiction but let me explain with an example.
One evening we were at a bar
discussing business which eventually led to a conversation about
policies, which eventually led to a conversation about politics
(TABOO). A woman at the table had her definite opinions on a subject I
didn't quite agree with.
(Note: a smarter man would've let
the conversation slide)
I could tell she was passionate
about the subject and no matter what anyone at the table said, she would
basically shout them down.
It was then that I decided to apply
the "winning mindset approach" (i.e., enter the conversation without any
NEED to win). So I disagreed with the woman who then proceeded to read me
the riot act on how I was so shortsighted.
Without getting upset or emotional
in the least, I asked her to clarify, for my understanding, some of the
comments she'd made earlier. As she explained, I kept probing for more
clarity. Now mind you, I was neither trying to win the conversation or
embarrass her. I was simply curious and wanted to learn more.
As I kept probing deeper, I could
tell her answers and explanations were getting more scant and
ambiguous. As I kept pressing I could tell she was getting more irate
with me. I clearly explained to her that it was not my intention to
upset or question her, but that I simply wanted to understand.
Somewhere along my line of
questioning, she had had enough. She said, "You are a real $#@! You
think you're so damn smart don't you? "
I was stunned by this abrupt change
in tone and tactic. I didn't know what to say. And before I could say
anything coherent, she got up and left. My friends at the table were
stunned for a moment and then broke out into laughter saying, "That was
great. You really showed her."
I didn't have the heart to tell my
friends that I was being sincere. I really DID want to know why she
thought the way she did. It was on this night that I learned the power
of the winning mindset. Power doesn't come from wanting to win, but
from simply questioning and learning without the expectation of winning.
The advantage I had over the woman
was that my ego wasn't attached to the conversation. I didn't care
about being right, I cared about understanding. The conversation I was
trying to have, was just that, a conversation; not a verbal tennis match
to see who was better or smarter.
I read a study many years ago that
talked about how a good portion of your logical thinking or cognition
shuts down when we get emotional. Maybe that's what happenned to the
woman. All I know is that throughout the conversation, I was at peace
with the notion of only wanting to learn from a fellow human being
rather than
trying to win a conversation.
Try it sometime. The next time you
get into a heated discussion. Step back and remind yourself that the
objective is not winning, it's learning something new from someone
else. Learn to detach yourself from the conversation, and instead of
focusing in on impressing someone or being right, let go of any
objective but to learn more.
